Once again, politics…

I keep being bombarded by politics, the closer we get to our mid-term elections in the U.S. I’ve written about it in the past here. And here. It is so much the same as it was two years ago, maybe worse. Our ability to discourse and listen to each other continues to go down the tubes. I can get caught up in it, because I feel quite strongly about some of the personalities and issues at hand. Frankly, I feel we are at quite a crossroads in this country, and one of two options seems so obviously the wrong way to go, that I have a hard time imagining how the other side can possibly believe in it!

That being said, I am a therapist. And I am trained in parts language. So to reiterate, parts are, simply, the parts of us that hold strong emotion, play certain roles and are not our core Self.

One can tell if one is coming from Self if any or all of the 8 Cs are in evidence:

  • Calmness
  • Clarity
  • Compassion
  • Confidence
  • Connection
  • Courage
  • Creativity
  • Curiosity

The model of IFS Therapy categorizes Parts in three types:

  • Managers – who are trying to prevent bad things from happening, and often remember past hurts with the mantra of, “Never again!”
  • Firefighters – who are into self-soothing, and certainly don’t care what Managers or anyone else thinks. They are in it for short-term gratification. And this is the seat of addictions of all sorts: alcohol, drugs, internet, porn, whatever one uses to self-soothe, some more culturally acceptable than others (phone?)
  • Exiles – who are burdened by old hurts and pain.

The Managers and Firefighters are lumped into a larger category, Protectors, because they are in the business of protecting the larger system of You from being thrown into distress and imbalance by the pain of the Exiles. They are really trying to find a balance so the boat doesn’t get rocked to the point of capsizing. Very important work. And extremely tiring, especially with heavier and heavier Exile burdens. The more extreme the Manager and Firefighter behavior is, that is evidence of more extreme underlying Exile burdens. IFS works to heal and unburden the Exiles in order to free up the Protectors from working so hard. And to put Self and C-ful-ness back in the driver’s seat.

So what I’ve been thinking this election season is that we in the U.S., and also in the larger world system, are clearly experiencing the effects of extreme Managers and Firefighters, which indicates there are some extreme Exile burdens.

In individual therapy, one starts with a process of getting to know why the Managers and Firefighters are behaving the way they are. It requires coming from Self, building trust, and opening a dialogue about where these parts are coming from, and why, and what they are so afraid of. Once some trust has been built, then these Protectors will eventually allow access to those potentially boat-tipping Exiles, and then the real work of healing can begin. But it can’t be done without trust.

And it can’t be done by a Manager-Firefighter war.

Which is where I think we are now. In the U.S. and other places, the right and left are SO polarized, into further and further extreme positions, that there seems no commonality in sight.

However, the commonality is that there is Exile Pain underlying the whole system. The commonality is that our larger political system is not being run by Self Energy, but by parts. Parts bludgeoning each other will not solve the issues at hand.

So what will? How do we interact with the parts of such a large system as a country or many countries?

I propose, as in individual therapy, when one begins to be taken over, flooded, or blended with any strong political emotion, aka part, to ask it to give you some space. Then see if you feel more C-ful. If not, ask other parts that may come up to give you space. At the very least, see if you can find some Calm Curiosity. And then find out what is going on underneath the issues at hand. Or even try to imagine what the underlying pain is about.

On a societal level this might require the kinds of organized reconciliation that South Africa post-apartheid went through. How will we do this?

But know, in any case, there is strong pain under strong protective mechanisms.

What might be sources of societal pain in the U.S.? We have much trauma built into the fabric of our country. Historically, there is the trauma of African slavery, and of Native American genocide. There is also European historical trauma, whole groups leaving their only known home for a brand new world because of fear of religious persecution, or because of famine and/or unjust societal structures. In the last 100 years we have experienced the most horrific wars, the most devastating weaponry, amazingly callous genocides, and continued political imbalances and refugee crises all over the globe. Financial instability and desperation is in itself traumatic. Could it be that the whole human race is suffering from a massive case of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that continues down the generations?

Re-traumatizing each other will not help.

What will?

It seems to me that Managers who are in the business of “Never again!” might be recalling historical trauma such as holocausts, depressions, wars, financial insecurity, etc., and they are trying really hard to prevent any of those things from happening again.

Firefighter types just want what they want and they want it now. They want soothing and distracting, and they don’t care how socially acceptable it is. Maybe they want off-the-cuff promises of protection from politicians who are all bluster and hot air and no ability to deliver. Maybe they want to be distracted by wealth, celebrity, or make-believe.

In any case, if the Managers and Firefighters are fighting hard, whatever they are fighting over is not the core issue. What is?

The pain. Whatever it is for that person or for that person’s clan and/or ancestors. A person’s individual parts sometimes bring up surprising things even to that individual. I can only imagine what might come up from a clan or a society. There is undoubtedly much. Seeing as how not a day goes by that someone, many someones, are not actively traumatized, the collective whole of pain must be immense.

How do we keep from re-traumatizing and re-hurting each other, and how do we come from Self? How do we heal our Earth-bound Exiles as Americans and as Humans?

Maybe this larger perspective will help.

Maybe individual therapy will help. (I can help with that if you’re in the State of Colorado. Otherwise you can find an IFS Therapist here.)

Is there a way to do societal therapy? I’m not sure we’re at the point yet where there is a will for this. Maybe it’s a case of needing to “hit rock bottom” as an addict (read Firefighter) must, before changing his or her ways. I have parts that worry about what “rock bottom” might look like for the U.S. or for the World as a whole.

Going on with the addict metaphor, if someone is addicted to drugs, say heroin, studies have shown (a major one is discussed here and here) that often their childhoods were so traumatic it put them at risk for this addiction later. An addict’s parts can continue to war between Managers (“Stop it! Just Stop it! You are so weak! You’re a disgrace!”) and Firefighters (“Shut up! I don’t care what you say! I’m going to do what I want and what I want is heroin!”) This is not the way to cure addiction. The way to cure addiction is to safely hear out the stories of the pain, the burdens the Exiles are carrying, and heal them, and then release them. At that point, there is no more need for the soothing and numbing that heroin or any other addiction brings. There is no more need for Managerial bludgeoning. And there is no more need for the addiction. It can end.

So how do we translate this to American politics and beyond?

What kinds of pain might the opposing sides be trying to protect the system from? What kinds of things can be done to hear each other out, build trust, and get to the point that Exile burdens can be healed and released, so that the whole system is more stable, more C-ful, happier, healthier?

One constant that I have experienced in working with my own parts and with those of my clients, is that the minute these parts feel heard, they calm down, even just a little, but we’ll take all the Calm we can get.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to experience American society being more C-ful? Can you imagine it being more Calm, Clear, Compassionate, Confident, Connected, Courageous, Creative, and Curious?

I can, and I want us to go there. I SO want us to go there. I wish I could do this good work of IFS Therapy with all 325 million Americans. Unfortunately it seems impossible to do this work quickly with a lot of people. But maybe I shouldn’t discount that idea too soon.

Listening and Healing is necessary. How do we begin? How can I begin? How can you begin? Let’s continue this discussion.

On Authenticity

Authenticity  noun

GENUINENESS, bona fides; legitimacy, legality, validity.

2 RELIABILITY, dependability, trustworthiness, credibility; accuracy, truth, veracity, fidelity.

Authenticity is a word I am hearing a lot of lately. What does it mean to you? Above are the thesaurus versions. Do these ring true from your experience? I think, for me, the strongest word there is Genuineness. I take that to mean being as true to oneself as possible. Not fake. No pretense.

Some other people have discussed authenticity here, here, and here.

The following, from Wikipedia, seems to be as good a definition as any.

In existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which an individual’s actions are congruent with their beliefs and desires, despite external pressures; the conscious self is seen as coming to terms with being in a material world and with encountering external forces, pressures, and influences which are very different from, and other than, itself.

The therapy model I use, IFS Therapy, seems to fit in with Authenticity. It is a manner of working with parts of oneself (i.e. parts that are anxious, scared, critical, etc.) in order to become led by one’s highest Self, rather than by the reactions and impulses of these other parts. Now, don’t get me wrong, all parts are welcome, and all parts have a positive intention. However, because they are parts they don’t always have the full complement of tools or knowledge to handle situations.

Self Energy is described by the 8 C words: Calm, Clear, Compassionate, Confident, Connected, Courageous, Creative and Curious. These C words feel like a good place to be, to really BE, to be authentic, not driven or pulled in many directions, not operating under pretense, but really Being OneSelf.

How can one cultivate and express one’s own authenticity? Using IFS, it is a process. It is a practice. It is working with one’s parts over time to understand what they need in order to feel heard and considered, in order to feel trust in Self, in order to let go of the controls of the proverbial bus that is one’s life, and let Self do the driving. Most parts, like dogs, would rather have an Alpha. They feel more secure that way. And Self is meant to be Alpha.

Self is Authentic. By definition, really. Of those C words, Clear seems most relevant to authenticity. To be very Clear of who one really is, and is not, without needing to pretend or act or fit into someone else’s view of who one should be. Clarity.

Here is to more Clarity and more Authenticity. Here is to Self Leadership.

 

 

Illness

So I’ve recently become a “cancer warrior.” I was diagnosed mid-March. And so I am working on applying all that I know as a therapist. The foundational modality I use, IFS Therapy, focuses on the 8 Cs.

Being diagnosed has taken my need to practice what I preach to another level. Staying calm, keeping a clear thought process, being compassionate with myself and my loved ones, being confident I’ll work through this, staying connected to myself, my people, and Source, being courageous, using a good amount of creativity in the process of learning how to manage and in being life-affirming, and staying curious about every little thing, these are my “works” in this process.

If you also are in the process of working with a body that is not working optimally, I invite you to join me to learn and apply to your situation the good work that IFS is. Plenty of studies have shown that the mind-body connection exists, that positive mental and emotional self-care is tremendously helpful in fostering and encouraging physical health, and that interpersonal support aids as well.

Wellness matters, even when health is in flux.

Addendum: post election healing

I am being aware I may have overstepped the legitimate grief of others in my last posting.  Taking the viewpoint I did was not intended to minimize or sweep under the rug the legitimate feelings of grief, shock, denial, anger, etc. which are all completely normal and natural when one is suffering a loss.

In this case, as I’m reading various postings, half the people feel they have lost the America they thought they knew, the America they trusted, the America they hoped for, and the America they have been working for.  They have lost the progress that had been being made.  And they have lost faith in the other half of their fellow country men and women, wondering “What were they possibly thinking?!” or “Were they thinking?!”

What I shared yesterday was my own attempt to make sense of why this happened, what I know of how systems interact, with a possible path through the jungle of how to move on from here.  The path is weedy and overgrown, it make take machetes and chainsaws, metaphorically, to open up a path through.

And yet we must try.  We absolutely must hold a limit on unacceptable behavior.  And we must try to understand the anger that covers up the hurt of the other side.  We must.  As I said before, the more extreme and polarized actions and reactions, the larger the pain that is underlying it.  The best way to cool down and stabilize out those actions and reactions is to heal the hurt.

America, we appear to have much hurt under us.  We can heal the hurt.  It is possible.  Adding to the hurt of others, however, does not heal our own hurt.  History is full of the proof of that.  Let us do this differently.

Post Election Healing

I’ve been home sick today (honestly, I woke up with the cold I was feeling coming on last night, though I tried hard to nip it in the bud), and sick at heart. I’ve been reading posts all day while in bed. I am grateful, truthfully, for this cold, and for the time it has allowed me to process in peace, with my therapy animals around me. This article (https://www.integrallife.com/integral-post/morning-after) I think sums up best my thoughts, feelings, hopes for the future. While I cannot in good conscience support this president-elect based on too many things to post here, I do recognize that his candidacy is expressing something that needs expressing, the fear and disenfranchisement of a certain segment of our society.

My favored counseling model, Internal Family Systems (IFS) describes “parts” of ourselves that may get in extremely polarized fights with each other. It is because there is an underlying pain that has not been addressed. In this model, this is called the Exile. The bigger the pain, the more polarization and more extreme reactions will follow. When the concerns of this exiled part are addressed and healed, the polarization reduces, the extremism reduces. We as a nation, clearly, need to acknowledge and heal our Exiles so as to allow for the calming down of our system. This polarized and extreme election cycle, and this result, show how our work is cut out for us. But it does not involve continuing or upping the fight between polarized parts. It involves going deeper, doing our collective and individual inner work, healing our in-pain parts, valuing the input and feelings of all our parts. A primary tenet of IFS is “All parts are welcome.” Continuing the fight only continues to add to the pain, and the cycle of pain, polarization, and extremism continues and worsens.

This article I’ve linked discusses society based on a theory of stages of societal or consciousness development, much like stages of human development. In it, they state that we are living at a time when six different levels of development are being displayed on the face of the Earth. There are conflicts between these levels because needs and understanding are different at each level. How can we compassionately interact with people of differing levels? Let us strive. How can we compassionately interact with parts of ourselves or others that we find distressing? It is necessary, and healing.

In my experience as a therapist, when people interact with their extreme parts in a careful, non-judgmental, and honestly curious manner, and parts are allowed to express themselves safely, just that act alone will reduce their extremeness, will reduce the polarization. Once polarization is reduced and ameliorated, it becomes easier for all the parts to come and work together, in a more harmonious fashion. Let us strive for healing, de-polarization, de-extremism.

And let me say again, the way forward is not through upping the fight but through settling down and listening, by asking the extreme parts of ourselves to step back just a bit so we can hear what the other parts are saying. At the root of every extreme reaction is a fear. “What are you most afraid of?”

After South Africa ended apartheid, the country created the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. You can read up on it yourself. Something like that may be necessary in this U.S. of A. We are fractured. We are extreme. We are polarized. Let us not go further down that hole.

So I ask you, What are you most afraid of? What do you need? What will help you feel better? What will help you feel safe? I invite you to ask similar questions to your inner parts, as well as to your friends, relatives, acquaintances.  And, if you can do it carefully, calmly, compassionately, I invite you to ask your adversary in this political structure. The answers may surprise you. They may enlighten you. And enlightenment can only help.

Lateness

So… on being late.  I recently saw this go by: Why I’m Always Late.

And it got me thinking.  I’m an IFS Therapist, among other things.  And IFS is all about dealing with the “parts” of oneself.  Almost like they’re little people.  Parts have different feelings, different needs, different agendas, all with a positive intention for the larger person that is Self.

So in reading the above article I was seeing it through a different lens.  The author is trying to figure out why he’s always late, and not late in a “stop and smell the roses” sort of way, but late in a “all my people hate me and I hate me too” sort of way.

I know for myself I have a tendency towards lateness, especially for the first required attendance event of the day.  After that I’m pretty punctual.

What IFS would be looking for is which part is wanting to be on time and which part isn’t.  Maybe multiple parts want to be on time for whatever reason: it’s the responsible thing to do, it’s courteous, people don’t like to be kept waiting, other people will be upset if I’m late, etc.

However, maybe a competing part is not so much into being on time.  Parts might dislike intensely the upcoming appointment.  Or they might just resent and rebel against clock-time tyranny and want to maintain personal autonomy.  Or they might really prefer what they’re doing right now.  The author of the above article states that for him, at least partly, it is about not liking to change focus.  Maybe other parts want to do nothing at all rather than go wherever they’re supposed to go.

IFS is about mediating between all these parts, finding out what is really going on for each of them, and then, seeing if they have enough trust in You, your core Self, to let You, metaphorically, Drive the Bus, instead of them doing the driving.  At that point, your core Self comes from a calm and clear place, making real decisions all the parts can live with.

This may mean addressing some of the concerns of those parts, like “I don’t really want to do that appointment.”  “Oh really, why not?  What would you rather do?  Can we change things up so we don’t have to do that appointment?”  At that point You start owning Your decision about punctuality or time fluidity, and gain further insight into why this is an habitual thing in your life.

By habitual I mean, “Why does that particular part keep taking hold of the controls?”  Further questions might be, “What can You do to enable the larger Self to keep the wheel? What is Always-Late Part trying to tell You, and how can You resolve this? Why is Mad-at-Always-Late Part furious and what is it trying to tell You?”  The answers often are surprising and not at all what you’d think.

For my first-appointment-of-the-day lateness, my dominant part is the one that loves sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, and reading.  The core work of IFS is to then acknowledge that, and get some space so that my Self can approach it from a calm and clear place, and thereby mediate between the competing interests of the other parts, most noticeably the part that is worried about how lateness affects others.  Create and allow couch & coffee time, while also honoring the desire to be respectful of others.

What do you know about your late parts and your punctual parts?

Detangling

tangled hair pictureI have fine, tangle-prone hair.  It has always been this way.  One of my earliest memories is of my mother sitting me down in front of a PBS kids show with a bottle of detangler and combing out the “rats’ nest,” as she called it.

Even now, I should just know better than to wear my hair down when wearing any kind of collar.  Yesterday I ignored that wisdom-gained-through-much-experience and paid the price for it.  So this morning, after my shower, and after much conditioner, I began to work my way through the mess.  It occurred to me how similar it is to therapy, really.

It can be overwhelming to look at a head full of tangles.  It can be overwhelming to look at a life full of messes.  Yet the process is much the same.  I have found with my hair that it is best to pull a strand or two up and out of a tangle rather than forcing a comb or brush through a tangle.  The latter only results in a tremendous amount of pain, much hair-breakage, aggravation, and the temptation to either cut it all off, or go for dreads.

But handling only one or two strands at a time seems so tedious, so time-consuming, so wearisome.  Sometimes I can only stand looking at one small tangle at a time, because the entirety is too much.  Yet it is much like the old saying, “How do you eat an elephant?”  One bite at a time.  One strand at a time.  One small tangle at a time.

I really love IFS Therapy because it is about relieving the pressure on one’s interior system one little concern at a time, whatever seems most pressing at the time.  Just a small strand of organizing and straightening.  Just a bit at a time and patience.  Eventually the rats’ nest is all combed out, eventually the life mess is all smoothed out.  It just takes some time, some space, some patience, some smoothing agent like conditioner or detangler (maybe in this metaphor that is the counselor or therapist), and eventually the chaos is managed.

All better.  Whew!  What a relief!

Then from there it’s just a matter of remembering self-care, prevention in the manner of braiding, or bunning, or whatever it takes to get the hair under control and off my collar, thereby disallowing it the opportunity to turn into another mess.

What is the metaphor for self-care for your system?  What do you do to undo a mess, and keep it from happening again?

On Mental and Physical Health

Mind/body interaction.  It is a topic that gets bantered around a bit in certain circles.  Mind affects body.  Body affects mind.  Mental health issues can negatively impact physical health.  Physical health issues can negatively impact mental health.  All true.  Integrating one’s whole self in the pursuit of Healthiness of all types is important for well-rounded, complete, holistic Health.

It is like a boat on the sea.  All aspects of the boat must be leak-free in order for it to rise & stay above the waves.

My training is in mental health.  It is well-shown that good mental health positively affects physical health.  Many authors have written on this, often from a medical and/or physical point of view (Siegel, Ornish, Rankin).

A study published in 2013, for example, showed that IFS Therapy was effective in helping those with rheumatoid arthritis not only cope better with the illness, but actually reduce the pain, and increase functioning.

My mother and grandmother suffered horribly from this disease, so it is a cause close to my heart.  Soon I will be posting here more information on support I will be making available.  Until then, as Jack Horkheimer used to say, “Keep looking up!”

On Tolle and IFS

I have been letting percolate for some time the commonalities between IFS Therapy and the teachings of Eckhart Tolle.

I think each model is talking about the same thing.

What Tolle calls Presence, IFS calls Self.

What Tolle calls Ego, IFS calls Protectors (Managers and Firefighters).

What Tolle calls PainBody, IFS calls Exiles.

The commonality is in realizing that Ego/Protectors and PainBody/Exiles are not your core You.  They are subsets of You.

The commonality is in stepping outside of, stepping back from, asking these parts of you to step back from you, in order to find the Calm Core, the Peace that Passes All Understanding, the Joy of Being.

It is there.  It is you.  It is yours for the Being.